“Depression is the most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced. It is that absence of being able to envisage that you will ever be cheerful again. The absence of hope. That very deadened feeling, which is so very different from feeling sad. Sad hurts but it’s a healthy feeling. It is a necessary thing to feel. Depression is very different.”
An attempt to define - alright
alright, am i alright. I once ran to this site to explore and find definition to myself and my state of mind. I then hid from it because I became obsessed with finding an answer that changed with a whim and never truly existed in a form that phrases could explain. I am now hiding behind my comfortable shell of taking care of everyone around me and hiding my captivity in the chains of their of their alright.
I am happy in terms of contemporary consensus, I am upper middle class in terms of salary, I am successful by measurements of my field, I am current on monetary obligations. if you ask the common person who associates with me, I am alright.
I just feel like a captive lie.
who i am today
My state isn’t numbness. It isn’t a wall. It isn’t awareness either. I feel almost drugged. Locked inside a constant machine going through the motions of how men are supposed to act. Reactions that shows what a man is supposed to feel. I have become conformity’s prison bitch as an escape from my thoughts.
It eats at me, but everyone else seems to like it.
I have been away, I would ask if anyone noticed. But the messages give it away, thank you.
As before, I will answer any questions. Always up to using something random to write about. I will probably rant a few times about my life, of course being overly dramatic the entire time. Well, some times.
By conventional definitions, darkness is the absence of light. It seems to take on a personality, or at least an empathetic consciousness. It is used as an synonym for secrets and unknown horrors. It is said that darkness hides evil, and the human capacity to commit it.
The Dark seems to run away from light. The Dark can’t exist when light is present, or does it just concentrate and coalesce. That’s where shadow comes from, it is the deception of hope. Heroes bring in light to vanquish the dark with the light of truth. The only thing they manage to accomplish is the concentrating the dark into shadows that can only exist when light is present. The shadows pretend to hide from the light, but are the deception runs deep. The shadows hide pieces of the truth, turning truth into lies. The shadows dance with fake fear, and real celebration knowing that the black and white world of the light will never be able to defeat the lies of the Dark. The Dark does not operate with rules. It bends the rules of others till they break.
2 minute catchup
My life is breaking. I lost my job. I can’t hardly pull myself out of bed. I can’t find any reason to move. I have lost all motivation. All drive. My wife is trying to be supportive, but ends up only bashing into me emotionally. I have not felt this low in a very long time. I don’t know how to fix everything. I just to run away. I just want to disappear. Give my wife and children some hope of a real life without me. I am terrified.
Back in The Blackness
Sorry I was away for awhile, I’m back, and will be daily. Thanks to those who are still around and especially to those who reached out to me. It means a lot.
elephantsinjammies replied to your post: The itch is coming. A new one. I got a taste of… its not fucked up. i am this way also. i am actually addicted to that feeling it gives me
I am too, hence the hundreds of dollars in therapy. I’m fucked up because my perfect pregnant wife sits at home, she has caught me cheating once (the only time there was ever any physical cheating) and has forgiven and we have moved forward. Why would I go back to lying and blow this second chance for a “fix” I’m fucked up because it gets harder every day not to act. Not to see how far I can get.
I fight with myself because it makes me feel.
I didn’t leave anything off that sentence, it makes me feel.
Anonymous asked: Have you ever thought you're just not built for relationships?
Yes. And then I met my wife and wanted to be. Now I have all but proven I’m not.
The itch is coming. A new one. I got a taste of something new. Something more dangerous than just pictures and videos on the internet. I got too attached though. I keep running scenarios through my head, then I realize what I’m doing and avoid said scenarios. I want it though. I want to touch new skin, new curves. I want to taste the passion, see lust and excitement in her eyes just before we kiss. I almost get that with my wife. Everything except the new. Sometimes i see the passion from her, sometimes. But there is that passion you only get from new.
I’m fucked up, i know.
A view from my head
I just saw a man on a motorcycle in all camouflage, including his backpack. That would have been fine, except he was also wearing a bright yellow safety vest.
I wanted to follow him and let him know he should make up his mind.